The Elderly Say The Darndest Things

Most healthcare workers come home from work every day, kick their shoes off and lift their tired and burning feet onto a footrest to relax. A lot of workers pour themselves some alcohol, tell their loved ones how crazy their day has been and reflect on the hell that they have to endure for the next 50 years.

As a CNA, I have seen and heard things that don’t even phase me anymore. I’ve worked with the elderly, the criminally insane, and some physically disabled adults. Most “war stories” I trade with other CNAs include the shit that I’ve heard and can’t believe. I’ve decided to compile a list of the “darndest things” I’ve heard come out of the elderly’s mouths.

1. Just wiggle a bit!

I recently got married and the days leading up to my big day, I went around asking my residents for any marital advice they’d like to spare. Most of them said things like, “respect each other,” “pick your battles,” and “love each other.” However, one of my residents said that on my wedding night, after everything was said and done, that I shouldn’t “lay like a log,” but rather “wiggle a bit!” during the dirty deed.

2. Squishy belly…

This was said to me at my lightest weight, too! My 105-year-old resident saw that I had a little bit of bloat during my work shift, poked my belly, and said “squishy belly!” She then proceeded to ask if i was pregnant, which was a no. It’s a good thing she said this out of innocence and not out of rudeness.

3. Get me a liquid drink!

As opposed to…?

4. Oh, that’s tangy!

I offered one of my residents a bite of Skinny Pop White Cheddar popcorn. This was her response, as well as a face all scrunched up.

5. I want a 9oz steak.

I told my resident it was time for supper. This was her response. She was extremely disappointed to find out that we were having leftover breakfast food…*

* Not the CNA’s choice!

6. None of your Goddamn business!

I asked one of my residents if she would like to join me for supper, and this was her reply. Ok then! Don’t have to tell me twice.

7. I’m going to let the dog out now.

Ok, awesome! Thank you for being so helpful, sir. But… what dog?

8. Aren’t you going to climb into bed with me?

Well, sir, no.

9. If you’re going to kill me, might as well just do it already.

Alrighty then. Please just take your meds. I promise I’m not trying to kill you.

10. I love you!

Aw, I love you, too!

Any absurd comments your residents have made to you before? Share them!

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